Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
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Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
BRO LMFAO
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
I have so many questions.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”