My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
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Stop it! 😂
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it