PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
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Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
We’ve all been there
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae