[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
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On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣