Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
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[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
me before I type out affect or effect
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.