Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
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*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail