[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
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I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
What my back needs
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.