It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
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u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Wasps: bees, but not helping
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.