I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
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were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Not all heroes wear capes…
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?