“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
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My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”