I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
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me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Don’t snitch tag.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.