Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
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Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?