Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
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11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
A friend helps you before you need it
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
This is my pinned tweet
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?