WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
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Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
the simulation is moving too fast
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank