I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
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Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
That’s not how days work.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Not all heroes wear capes…
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Heroic Misunderstanding
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Nose
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack