“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
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Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Meow
*skinny dips into black hole
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.