i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
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Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?