*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
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Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
No regrets in 2018
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted