I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
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[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey