#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
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Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
this is me
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
love it when they get my name right