Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
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What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.