[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
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Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Tough love is true love
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
nobody:
my fish before I fry it: