I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
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On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.