I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
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[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?