it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
You Might Also Like
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.