doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
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If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Brilliant!
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.