I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
You Might Also Like
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp