Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
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Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?