Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
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I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!