Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
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Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.