The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
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He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.