[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
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And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven