The most important meal of the day is the next one
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[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.