Leonardo DiCaprisun
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I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I support this random dude and all his protests
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”