It’s actually Dr. whatever
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Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
i hope my email finds you on fire
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
hackers play passwordle
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off