Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
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If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.