You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
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2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Strangers have the best candy.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.