[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
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Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.