I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
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Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting