You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
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Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
*cough*
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.