pizza
You Might Also Like
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit