It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
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One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Guilty! 🤪
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.