Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
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If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly