People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
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Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Who knew!
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
selfie game
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.