I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
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REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Cake!!
estão todos miauvindo?
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much