I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
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I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.