Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
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me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
I don’t know what to do
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
checking out some reviews of my local library
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning