Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
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Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!