On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
You Might Also Like
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.