Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
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Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
lost dog
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?